Just when you think it's all under control...

Okay, well I never really had it under control. But getting sick and not being able to even go near a computer for almost a week really does throw a spanner in the works.

For some reason, I seem to catch every virus going around, and manage to get it ten times worse than everyone else. But thanks to taking it easy & resting I think I'm on the mend now. At least, I've managed to use the computer today and rewrite the all important first page of my manuscript.

I'll be getting feedback about my new opening page from the rest of the cohort group later this week. When rewriting the first page I really tried to follow Alison Goodman's advice on how to give it maximum impact. So I'm looking forward to the group giving me feedback on whether I've achieved this or not and how I can improve.

So that's another small milestone completed. But it means that the short story for the competition isn't finished yet. That's not looking good, but who knows, maybe I'll get inspired tomorrow to get it finished in time.

Distractions

I got a bit of a start on my chapter 1 rewrite on the weekend but I have too many distractions at the moment, including a short story I'm trying to get finished for a short story comp that closes next week.

I need more time! But where I get it from is a problem. Still, it's a problem most writers face so at least I know I'm not alone.

I really, really want to finish this short story. And I only have another week to do it. So, maybe the chapter 1 rewrite will have to wait just a little bit longer. After I finish the short story, I'll get into the new chapter 1 in a big way. Definately. No doubt about it.

Well, at the very least I have to have written a new first page to present for group critique on 6 December.

Looks like I've got clashing deadlines... such is life.

(maybe I'll take a mental health day!)

Back to basics

I have yet to embark on the big rewrite. Instead I've been working out relationships between the girls and having another look at their characters/backgrounds. This, I'm hoping, will help me add that extra detail and depth that the manuscript assessor thinks I need.

I'm also looking at the character of Tash's father. I know it's meant to be bad form to write characters that are all bad, but let's face it, in real life some people are just a**holes. Not everyone has redeeming features. But I suppose I can stretch to allowing him to be a generous boss (as long as his employees don't cross him...).

Apart from the character work I've been doing a bit of research into the 'assignment' notes that will replace Tash's diary entries. I'm still not 100% sure on how this will work, but I'm trying out a few different ideas.

Maybe I should just start writing it & see what happens.

Killer beginnings

Last Friday YA fantasy writer, Alison Goodman, ran a workshop for our master's group on writing killer beginnings. She is a great presenter and teacher and I'm really sorry I missed her earlier workshop on killer endings (but hey, I wasn't leaving New York early for anyone!).

An outstanding first page is a necessity - many publishers/editors don't read beyond the first paragraph, let alone the first page.

To help us create our own killer beginnings, Alison worked through a list of 'must haves' for any work of fiction to get off to a great start, including:

• genre markers
• empathy
• setting
• tone
• dilemma

Alison also said it's vital for the author to show authority, that is, show that you have control over your manuscript. Perfect grammar and spelling is a part of this - you don't want to be making amateurish mistakes on your opening page. No matter how brilliant it is, an error like that is going to plant a seed of doubt in the editor's mind.

Alison's other main piece of advice was to make each word and sentence work harder. With my distaste for slabs of description, this is a particularly important rule for me to follow. And Alison was able to show me how just small changes can have a big impact on your work and make sentences as effective as possible.

So now I have no excuses for not writing a brilliant beginning to my manuscript!

How much more rewriting?

The manuscript assessment has arrived and I'm not in a state of shock, depression or about to throw my manuscript in the bin. So that's a positive!

I've read through it a couple of times but I think I need to read through it a couple more before I get stuck into the rewriting. The assessor has made some good suggestions and some interetsting points, and although I don't agree with everything they said, I agree with most of it. A couple of things I don't quite understand, though, so if I still don't get it after another reading or two I'll ask the rest of the cohort what they think the assessor means.

Going by the feedback, I think I've got another 3 months rewriting to do, maybe 6 months. I'm not exactly sure what 'finished' state the manuscript has to be in to submit it for my Masters, but that's really the least of my worries, seeing I haven't even made a start on the exegesis.

Oh well, maybe I'll write that in February!

Manuscript assessment

The manuscript assessment by Driftwood has been finished & is waiting for me to pick it up from Sharyn's office.

But she's not in today so I have to wait until Monday! I suppose a few more day's suspense won't kill me.

I'm hoping that it gives me some clear direction about what to do with my next rewrite. The manuscript has gone through a lot of changes already this year and I specifically asked for feedback on whether it all held together or was too disjointed, particularly the last few chapters of the book, which I completely rewrote.

Whatever they say, I'm eager to take it on board and make this story the best it can be. I really believe in Girl in the Shadows - I think it's a timely story that covers some important issues and themes. But I also hope it's a bloody good read that will capture the attention of teen readers and that Tash and Mal are characters that they bond with.

Here's hoping!

Slacking off

It's about six weeks since my last blog entry. That would be because it's been about six weeks since I did any masters-related work!

Still no news from the manuscript assessment service. Apparently there were problems with payment from the uni & also my manuscript arrived missing the last 30 or so pages! I sent them another full version by email last week, so hopefully I won't be waiting too much longer.

Of course, when I opened the manuscript file before emailing it off I read my opening paragraphs & realised that not only were they crap, one sentence had a major grammatical error which meant that it made no sense at all! I've fixed it now, but it just goes to show that you really do need a good break between when you put the final touches on your manuscript and when you send it away. If I'd sent that version to a publisher, it would have been in the bin before the editor had got halfway down the first page.

In the meantime, rather than doing what I should be doing (which is working on my exegesis) I've been writing short stories for the Brisbane City Council short story comp. I know I should be writing my exegesis, but I just can't bring myself to face it just yet. Besides (I justify to myself) writing short stories keeps my creative brain going.

Procrastination plus

It's been nearly two weeks since I sent off my manuscript for assessment. In that time you'd think I'd have been hard at work on my exegesis.

I haven't done a damn thing.

I was thinking that maybe I'd look at changing the books I'm writing about for the case study section. I'll definately stick with Sonya Hartnett's Surrender. But I'm wondering if there's a more suitable book than The Tulip Touch.

The Tulip Touch is a fantastic book. But it's aimed at a lower age group than both Girl in the Shadows and Surrender so I'm starting to wonder if it's the most appropriate book for a case study. Perhaps I'll have a look around and see if I can find any recent Australian YA novels that deal with mental illness in any form. At least that way I can kid myself that I'm actuall doing something!

Off to the manuscript assessment service

Yesterday I emailed my manuscript to Sharyn, my supervisor, who will now send it off to the manuscript assessment service.

The assessment process will probably take about 6 to 8 weeks, so it should be ready for me to get into just after I come back from New York.

I'm pretty happy with Girl in the Shadows as it is at the moment, but I'm sure that the assessors will find plenty to pick on. I haven't read the manuscript as a whole since I rewrote the ending, for example, so they may find some disjoint between the beginning, middle and end.

I do know that both Mal and Tash, the main characters, go through a lot through the course of the narrative, so it's natural for them to change. (And isn't that what a good story should be about - how people change and what makes them change). But in any manuscript there's so much to think about - plot, character, style, structure and more - it's hard to keep a handle on everything.

What I'm looking for from the manuscript assessment process is some clear direction on where the manuscript can be improved and how much more work needs to be done before it's at publishing standard. If I can get that out of it, I'll be happy.

And now, I suppose, I should focus on writing the exegesis. I wonder how I'll motivate myself to get back into that?

Finishing deja vu

Yay! I've finished - again...

How many times have I 'finished' this manuscript? I've lost count. Maybe it's not finished until it's printed and in the stores. Which means, I may never finish...

Oh well, it's finished for now with a brand new ending & a modified beginning. The opening lines of the first chapter that I posted here months ago no longer exist. The manuscript is also longer - just over 44,500 words now. That makes it the longest manuscript I've written (not sure what that means, maybe I can focus for longer?)

Anyway, now, I hope, it's finally ready to send to the manuscript appraisal service. I may do one more read through before I send it. If I can do that this coming weekend then I can get Sharyn to send it off next week.

So it's done. Again. For now.

I suppose that means I should start working on the exegesis again. If only I could remember what I have to write in it...

Can I end the ending?

Endings are difficult. I spent another 5 or 6 hours on the ending on the weekend and it's still not done. Maybe I'm being impatient. But I really want the ending to work and the fact is that, after the climax, both Mal and Tash are different people; what they've been through is a life changing event.

For Tash it's life changing because she's left home and cut off all contact with her parents. They know she's alive and that's all. She's living with Katie, so isn't totally alone, but has suffered huge mental distress and is now adjusting to living life as an adult, even though she's only just turned 16.

Mal's life has changed, too. Perhaps not as dramatically as Tash's has changed, but certainly the dynamics between them are different. Mal usually followed Tash's lead. Now Mal has seen just how vulnerable Tash is, that she isn't the perfect girl (& she still doesn't know the whole truth yet).

Following the path of your characters' lives is a journey and you have to watch that you're allowing your characters to grow and letting them speak for themselves. When they've changed so much you have to really focus to tune into their matured voices. As usual, the best way to deal with it is to just shut up and listen.

I'm very close to ending Mal and Tash's story. But I can't rush it because I must be true to them and their experiences. I have to pay very close attention to make sure I get it right.

A new ending

I got my new 'climax' for Girl in the Shadows critiqued by the group last Friday, and as always they gave me really useful feedback.

On the weekend I used the feedback to edit the story climax then I got stuck into writing a new ending. Basically, now that the climax has changed, the entire ending has to be rewritten as well.

It's hard to do. I had to force myself to sit at the keyboard and get the words out. But after perservering I wrote about 2500 words, which I suppose is okay for a day's work.

It does drive me a bit crazy that every time I think this manuscript is just about done I find a whole heap more I can do to it. But I know this ending is much stronger because it brings the reader right into the action.

Last Friday we also had a visit from Leonie Tyle, the young adult fiction editor at UQP. She was fantastic (was even polite enough to say she remembered my manuscript Rat City that she rejected back in 2004). She also gave us all a chance to pitch our stories to her, which was a great opportunity. She was interested in all our work and asked some useful questions about our manuscripts. She was particularly interested in the character of Tash's father and the reasons why he did what he did to her.

In terms of what I wanted to achieve from this master's course (good feedback, a writing support group and access to industry professionals) I've already gained much more than I anticipated. It's really helped my development as a writer. And hopefully it will lead to publication (Leonie asked us all to send her our manuscripts when they're ready).

All in all, writing wise, it's been a good week.

Great workshop & big (for me) breakthrough

Last Saturday (28 July) we had a fantastic workshop with writer Libby Gleeson.

Libby has had a long and distinguished career as a children's writer and her list includes award winning picture books, chapter books and young adult fiction. Her workshop had some great exercises that really helped me to focus on what was and wasn't working in my manuscript. And, as a result of one exercise, I was able to come up with a big breakthrough that will (hopefully) have a positive impact on my story.

I know when it comes to the tough bits in a story, I have a tendency to write around them. Even though it's fiction, it can be really confronting to tell the truth of a story. But Libby encouraged me to do just that.

So now I have the task of rewriting the manuscript from the climax scene (chapter 20) onwards. I've rewrittent the climax scene and posted it for critiquing this week. I'm looking forward to some excellent feedback to help me improve it.

The climax is not pleasant. In fact it's quite violent and scary. I don't know what potential publishers will think about that. But at the moment, that's not my concern. Telling the best story that I can, is.

And the positive thing is, Tash and Mal's friendship not only survives the climax, but becomes better for it. So in the end there will be a happy (ish) ending.

Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite

I've been going through Sharyn's 'to-do' list for my manuscript and I did a whole heap of writing on the weekend. I think it's going okay.

Alot of it is going back in and putting in 'clues'. Well, not so much clues as bits of information that add to the story so that there is more of a consistent build up to the climax.

That's where having an independent person reading your manuscript is so helpful - they can see the bits that you're missing; the bits that you've assumed people will work out (often because they were actually in earlier drafts and you've since cut them out!)

One of the things Sharyn and Viv picked up on was that I had virtually no physical description of the main characters. That was something I had included in earlier drafts but had gradually cut out so there was none left (because of course I know what they look like!).

But it's a bit tricky for me because I hate large hunks of description, especially physical description. I prefer a lighter touch so the reader can picture their own version of the character in their head.

Hopefully with this last rewrite I've got the balance right. If not I'm sure the manuscript assessor will tell me :)

Supervisors' feedback

Sharyn (my main supervisor) and assistant supervisor Viv have both read the latest version of Girl in the Shadows and given feedback.

They were very encouraging and Sharyn feels it's almost there. But she still gave me a list of things to work on before I send it off for manuscript appraisal!

I started on the list this weekend and I think it should only take me a couple more weekends of work to get it ready for the manuscript appraisal. Most of the stuff is pretty minor, but that doesn't mean it's not tricky. Sometimes just trying to find a place to stick a sentence can be a minefield.

I'm really at the stage now where it's just tidying things up. Putting in pieces of information to make it all flow (sometimes I forget to tell the reader stuff I know) and, in some ways, laying those clues that make it all make sense in the end.

There are a couple things on the suggestion list that I'm not going to change, though. Like Tash's diary entries. I realise they're a bit experimental but I think the way she writes them is integral to her character. I don't want to change them unless I'm forced to (eg someone dangles a million dollar contract in front of me...). Even then I reckon I might not change them.

So I'm aiming to have it ready to send to the manuscript appraisal service by the end of this month. that gives me 2 weeks. No worries!

Rewrite finished & ready for assessment

Last night I finished another rewrite. Now my manuscript is ready to face the bold red pen of the manuscript assessor!

I've sent a copy of my pride & joy to Sharyn (my supervisor) and she and Vivian (the associate supervisor) will read it first then, if they think it's ready, they'll send it off to a professional manuscript assessment service.

I'm really not sure what state it'll be in when it comes back to me. I'm expecting harsh criticism but that's all good - I need honest, professional advice to have the best chance of getting it published.

I know that I've done the best I can with it so far but I'm sure there'll be plenty more to do on it when it returns. Just how much it will need who knows? They could suggest anything from a light edit to a complete rewrite and total restructure or anywhere in between.

As long as they don't say it's a pile of crap that's beyond hope, it'll be all good.

So now I suppose I should get back into writing the exegisis... Hmm, I wonder how I'm gonna do that?

Airy fairy

Yesterday I finished off and submitted my AIRS library research assignment.

So it is done and I will never speak of it again.

Nearly finished another rewrite

I got heaps of writing done last weekend. Didn't touch my AIRS assignment, which is due on 30 June at the absolute latest, but I'll look at this weekend (seriously, I mean it, I think...)

So this weekend I'm tackling the tricky part of the rewrite, which is the final few chapters. With the changes I've made to how Tash is handling things there's quite a bit I need to change. It'll be a challenge but hopefully I'm up to it.

I've attacked the left-brain-itis by getting out a few art books (Klee, Picasso,Chagall, Miro) and I just look at the colour plates before I start writing to shift my brain into right-gear. I think it's working. I was really fired up to write last weekend and did about 10 hours all up over the two days. It was the first time in ages where I felt really compelled to write, that I just had to get it down.

I also had a few conversations with Tash. By tapping into her voice and just writing down what comes out without any editing, I can then go on to put more of her voice directly into the manuscript. It helps me tune into her more. I don't seem to have much trouble tuning into Mal - never have. Not quite sure why that is. I suppose it's because she's more open and curious. Mal doesn't have any dark secrets. She's been fairly lucky in life so far.

Not so poor Tash. But she's working it out. And once she gets through the horrors of facing up to what's in her past, she'll be a force to contend with.

Left-brain-itis

Today I've finally started doing some more rewriting on the manuscript. It seems like ages since I've touched it, though it's really only a bit more than a week.

The problem I'm trying to overcome at the moment is a severe case of left-brain-itis. I've realised that all that research into brain development got my own brain stuck in scientific, logical mode. Not a good place for a creative writer to be.

Last Saturday, on our girl's weekend in Daylesford, Marita, Annalisa & I all had our tarot cards read. The tarot reader told me I should read books by Charles de Lint, who wrote about borderlands, the places that crossed over between this 'real' world and other worlds. I'd never heard of him (though Marita, being a librarian, had) so the next day we went off to the second-hand bookshop & I bought a copy of his book, Memories and Dreams. The title reminded me of Jung's autobiography, so I thought that was a good omen.

To be honest, de Lint isn't the best writer in craft terms. Some of his sentence construction is so amateurish I find it difficult to read. But craft, even in writing terms, is a left-brain activity, and I badly need to get back in touch with my right brain, so I'm perservering.

And he is a good storyteller. I like the way he weaves fantasy into reality; magic into the everday. And I know that, for my own story, I need to move away from a purely scientific explanation of what is happening to Tash to one that incorporates the unseen forces that science can't explain. I need to bring back the magic and mystery - that's how this story started out in the beginning.

Also last weekend we visited the convent gallery, which had some brilliant artworks of all kinds, including some original lithographs by Chagall (if I'd had a spare $10,000 on me I would have bought one then and there...). That made me realise how important art is to my writing, how I need to be looking at beautiful artworks to inspire me and get my creative juices going.

Funnily enough, Memories and Dreams is about an artist who can bring creatures across from another world through her paintings... sounds like synchronicity to me.

Over another hurdle

The presentation is now over and done with and I'm really bloody happy about that.

It wasn't nervewracking to deliver because it was just in front of our cohort and the supervisors. But it was still a big relief to get it out of the way, especially because it had been taking up valuable writing time.

I still have that (seemingly pointless) research module to complete sometime this month, but I'm about half way through that so I figure I'll just do a bit each lunchtime & get it over and done with that way.

Yesterday was the first time I managed to get some time on my manuscript and I'm getting into it today as well (when I'm not procrastinating, that is). I'm about half way through this rewrite. I'm finding some sections flow really well and others need lots of work.

Sometimes it's only a paragraph that isn't working, but it can take ages to get it to where I want it to be. Like now, I should be (and I will as soon as I upload this) working on a small paragraph where Tash, Mal & Mal's mother Sue are on their way back from the doctor's surgery (Tash has just had treatment for a bad burn on her hand). I'm trying to get the atmosphere in the car just right. But there are literally dozens, if not hundreds, of ways just to get this small piece of information across. And yet only one of them is perfect.

I suppose I'd better get back into it and see if I can figure out exactly which sentences are the right ones.

Busy, busy, busy

The presentation is due in four days.

The AIRS (research) unit is a complete schmozzle.

I've done no work on my manuscript for 8 days.

That sums it all up for now.

Giving up day

Maybe it's post-handing-in-assignment depression, but I'm having a giving up day. That's one of those days when you realise that your writing is totally crap, you'll never get your manuscript published & if by some absolute miracle you do, then it will languish somewhere in a book warehouse & not see the light of day until it appears slashed to $2 on a discount table somewhere in KMart.

Some days I'm really positive about my writing & feel that success is just around the corner. But today is not one of those days. I don't know why these days come but they feel bloody awful.

The only way I have of overcoming them is to focus on writing for writings sake. That is, instread of worrying about how high on the crap meter my writing is, I just write for myself.

Yes, I'd love to get Girl in the Shadows published. I dream about walking into a bookshop and seeing my book on the shelves (preferably with a 'recommended read' tag attached to it).

But the publishing industry is incredibly tough & I have to accept that, as much as I want that, it cannot be my sole reason for writing. Because it may never happen.
So I just keep writing because I love words & I love the challenge of making those little squiggles on a page turn into living creatures that you can hear talk & laugh & breathe and create places that you can hear, see and smell all inside your head. And no matter how down I feel, I still have the hope that some day they'll come to life in a reader's head, too.

First assignment done

On the weekend I finished my first assignment (the one on the "interpretive paradigm"). It really wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Possibly, this means that I've completely missed the point but Kel read it & she reckons it all flows & makes sense, so that's good enough for me.

It was helpful putting everything down on paper & drawing the threads together of the different types of research I'm doing. I think it really does help with character development & helps me get more fully inside the heads of my characters. Or should I say helps them get inside my head more. Which can be a problem when they get comfortable & decide not to move out.

I know I should be focusing on my presentation now (it's due on 1 June) but it's much more fun to work on my manuscript. But I do want to come up with a good presentation: all I've decided so far is that I'm not using powerpoint (because I hate it).

Seriously, how can my genius be compressed into a few slides with dorky animations????

Maybe I'll start with a DVD clip, then get out the finger puppets & finish with the interpretive dance done behind a big white sheet (that's so I can cast the "shadow"). Sounds like a plan to me :)

Tash wants more of her side of the story told

It can be just a bit freaky when your characters talk to you. Especially when they're quite insistent. But I suppose that's also one of the most interesting things about being a writer.

You know your character doesn't really exist in flesh and blood, in that you can't drop over to their house & have a coffee with them. I can't ask Tash to walk the dog, for example, or get Malia to go down the shop & buy some milk (it'd be really handy if I could...but then again they're teenagers so they'd probably squirm out of it anyway!).

But there comes a time when they do become much more real to you. This time comes for some writers right at the start of a manuscript: they have characters that just out of the blue start talking to them & that's where the story starts.

I began 'talking' to Malia quite some time ago, probably way back in late 2004. But Tash has only recently started to make herself really known to me. She's an interesting girl, and much more complex than I had originally given her credit for. She has lots of secrets and I think only now she is beginning to trust me with them.

Unfortunately, she can start demanding my attention when I can't really give it (like when I'm in a meeting at work). But I think we're working on that. And I know her perspective is really going to make a huge difference to this manuscript. I just have to learn to really listen and let her voice through.

If I can do that, then I'm confident she'll really blow us all away.

The scary & wonderful world of peer critiquing

Last night we had our first peer critiquing session in our group. That's where you bravely submit your writing to the scrutiny of others and take on board their feedback. It's a delicate thing, giving people feedback about their writing. But last night was really useful for me.

I was one of two 'guinea pigs' - the rest of the group won't start submitting work for critting until the next session - & we started off by discussing ground rules, such as setting a time limit for each critique.

I think critiquing is going to be one of the most valuable things about doing this degree. I got a lot out of last night's session & although I had quite a few moths battling around in my belly before we got started, once I got everyone's feedback I was really inspired.

When I got home last night I went through everyone's notes again & made some of the suggested changes to my first chapter. I really, really want to go through the rest of the manuscript right now & look for the things they picked up on last night to see if I can fix them in other places in the manuscript. For example I have a tendency to write 'stage directions' (my first drafts are invariably 50% stage directions) & it can be tricky to weed them all out because after a while I don't see them.

But I will be a diligent student & work on my essay this weekend instead. *sigh*

Adolescence is a form of insanity

Not only is adolescence a form of insanity, it's a highly contagious form that is easily transferred to unsuspecting parents.

Okay, I have no scientific proof of the above. But I have found some fascinating research (thanks heaps, Leah!) that is going to work in perfectly with my exegesis.

Peter Brugger, a German scientist, has done heaps of research into phantoms of all kinds. One of his theories is that seeing 'ghosts' is related to the phenomenon of amputees who 'feel' limbs that aren't there.

In the case of people seeing ghosts, it's a case of people seeing a phantom of a full body. That is, a surge of dopamine to their brain is causing them to see something that isn't there. The dopamine surge can be a result of brain damage, but intense emotions can cause the effect as well.

And guess which group regularly experience dramatic surges of dopamine and intense emotions? Adolescents, of course.

This weekend I have to get stuck into my first assignment (due 18 May - thank god this is a long weekend!). I'm going to attempt to bring together threads from Jung's shadow theory, recent studies into adolescent brain development and Brugger's theories on phantoms. With a bit of speculation about whether dopamine makes you see things that aren't there, or enables you to see things that others can't.

With luck, I'll be able to pull something thought provoking together. But if not, I won't stress. It's only a masters after all.

Another draft complete

I've finished another draft of Girl in the Shadows, and it's getting pretty close to where I want it to be. In this last rewrite I completely rewrote one character (Mrs Steppa), deleted an entire chapter (which actually felt quite good) and weeded out a whole lot of unnecessary description.

As part of the master's course, my manuscript gets assessed by a professional manuscript assessor, who will tell me everything that's wrong with it (along with some ideas to fix it, hopefully!).

So I think I'm almost ready to send the manuscript off for assessment. But before I do, we're going to do some peer critiquing at our next class. I've put up my first chapter for the rest of the group to critique (& have since then already changed some of the opening lines). But first chapters are always the hardest.

It wouldn't matter if your book was the most brilliant thing ever written. If the first chapter was crap, no one would ever read past it to find out how brilliant you really were!

I know my first chapter can still do with some improvement. I'm confident that the rest of the master's group can give me a couple of brilliant ideas to make it just that bit better. And once that's done, it's off to the manuscript assessor for a major reality check.

When I have the assessment in my hot little hands I'll have a pretty good idea of how publishable Girl in the Shadows is. Or at least know how much further I have to go before it's ready to submit to an agent or publisher.

And if they reckon it truly sucks, well, it'll be bum-down-head-up for another major rewrite.

Stop ranting & start researching

Tomorrow I meet with my master's supervisor to talk about where I think I'm going with the exegesis. This means that I'd better come up with something to say that's a bit more positive than the previous post.

I have come across some interesting stuff. One paper I read was written in the 1960s by a team of psychiatrists. They did a study where they sat people in front of a mirror in a dark room for 30 minutes and recorded what they experienced. Not so bad, you might think.

Except each person was in there alone (apart from the researcher) and had to look into the mirror continuously and describe what they saw. The only light in the room was provided by the little light on the tape recorder, which was recording their words.

They used four groups of people: psychotics, neurotics, sociopaths and 'normals' (who probably weren't by the end of it).

Two things that fascinate me about this study. Number 1, that they got away with doing it (obviously ethical standards were a bit different in the '60s). And number 2, every person, 'normals' included, saw weird stuff in the mirror: basically, they all hallucinated.

So people sitting in a dark room in front of a mirror at night (the tests were done between 7&9pm) all described fascinating, horrifying and bizarre things that they could see in the mirror. A few people even experienced kinetic hallucinations (eg felt like they were rocking or swaying).

Every person experienced this; not just the people with diagnosed mental illnesses.

Right now I'm reading a really interesting book by German Jungian psychologist, Kaspar Kiepenheuer, who has a special interest in treating teenagers. In Crossing the bridge: a Jungian approach to adolescence, Kiepenheuer describes adolescence as a turbulent and transitional period. He writes 'Indeed, one might even say that puberty is a more or less mild form of schizophrenia.'

Put these two ideas together - mirror hallucinations and adolescence as a form of schizophrenia - & I think I've got something that's worth investigating.

Scholarly expert?

According to one of the readings I had to do for uni, the exegesis (that thing I'm supposed to write for my masters) should demonstrate 'scholarliness' and that the writer is 'an expert in the field.'

Looks like I'm screwed...

Post-Jungian shadow archetype despair has set in. (Hey, did that sound scholarly?)

To be honest, I'm not even sure that see the point of the exegesis, much less want to write one. The readings I've been doing for uni so far have meant to give me a greater understanding of what an exegesis is and its purpose. But for me, the readings have made me question the necessity of such a document at all.

I want to write a manuscript. I want to write the best, most entertaining manuscript I can write that will appeal to my target audience, take them away into a different world for a while and, when they come back, maybe even make them think.

I enjoy doing research to the extent that it can give me new insights and ideas. But do I really want to crap on for 7,500 words about my process of writing the manuscript, its place in a historical/literary/cultural context and defend it against possible criticisms?

I really hope I've got it wrong and that's not what I've signed up for...

Another hero dead

You take a week off work & avoid the news as much as possible & what happens? One of your literary heroes up & dies! Kurt Vonnegut died almost a week ago & I only found out today (when I was surfing the net at work - for research purposes of course!).

I have loved Vonnegut's writing since I was a teenager. A few years ago I went to a second hand bookstore & bought about four or five of his books, including Player Piano (his first novel) and one of my all time favourites, Cat's Cradle. Years ago I even went out & read books written by his alter ego, Kilgore Trout (really bad science fiction but I read it & loved it anyway).

His writing was just crazy - he wrote about universal themes of life, death, war, religion & mixed them all up with a good dose of nonsense. He inspired me because of his love of language & the genius of his imagination.

One piece of his liteary genius that I've related to all my life, and is particularly apt as I attempt to write a master's exegesis, is his definition of the "granfalloon":

"If you wish to study a granfalloon, just remove the skin of a toy balloon."

Wherever you are, Mr Vonnegut, I hope you're having fun.

Interpretive paradigm or interpretive dance?

In about five weeks time I'm supposed to hand in a 2,500-3000 word assignment on... well I'm not exactly sure! But one of the things I can choose to write about is my "interpretive paradigm".

So far, my thinking is that I feign confusion between "interpretive paradigm" & "interpretive dance" and come up with a 2 or 3 minute dance piece, possibly performed behind a curtain so I'm in fact a shadow, & present that instead of the essay. Or maybe I should leave that sort of performance stuff until my oral presentation is due, on 1 June.

On the positive side, I'm really happy with the progress of my manuscript. I've just started to rewrite the Mrs Steppa character, making her a bit younger (as in 60 rather than 80!) & funkier & less wobbly/senile. She now prefers jaffa tim tams to stale biscuits and her house smells like patchouli & ylang ylang rather than lavender. She may also have a penchant for feather boas (I just thought of that then, so I'll have to see how it goes). After all, people who are now 60 were teenagers in the psychedelic 1960s - bizarre but true! I'm starting to like Mrs Steppa much more already :)

Getting into research

I've got 10 days off work to get stuck into my research & weirdly enough, I'm starting to enjoy it. I'm finding the same writers' names in my research around Jung and his shadow theory, so I'm thinking that I'm on the right track.

Even better, I'm really starting to see how this research can give my writing more depth. As I write down notes from the books/papers I'm reading on one page, on the opposite page I jot down random thoughts about how these ideas can apply to the characters.

One character I'm a little concerned about at the moment though is Mrs Steppa. At the moment she seems to be working as a caricature, a plot device rather than a 'real flesh & blood' character. I'm hoping that during my research I can find something to make her come alive. Otherwise, she may drop off the pages and cease to exist. I'd be sad about that, because I kind of like her. Maybe I'll just have to listen a bit more closely to what she has to say.

Inspiring writing workshop

One of the main reasons I wanted to do this master's course was so that I could particpate in writing workshops with established childrens/YA writers.

Yesterday we had a full day workshop with Sydney -based writer, Libby Hathorn. It was one of the most inspiring writing workshop I've ever attended.

Libby's style is simple and direct and it's this that allows her passion for writing, both as an author and a reader, to shine through. Her emphasis on the importance of poetry and imbuing our writing with poetic shape, rhythm and flow really struck a chord with me (& I've never been much of a fan of poetry).

I also found out that I can't write in the third person, or that when I do, I find it very strange and uncomfortable. I don't think I used to find it difficult, maybe it's just as my voice has developed over the years it's moved into the 'first person' groove & doesn't want to jump back out.

Maybe one day I'll attempt to write something in the third person, just to challenge myself. But not this year. I've got more than enough writing challenges on my plate.

But thanks to Libby's inspiration yesterday, I feel that I can at least take this year's challenges on. So it's off to my manuscript! And thanks to Libby Hathorn for a fantastic day of indulging in the world of imagination and writing - even if I got nothing else out of this course, yesterday would make it all worthwhile.

Progress is good

On the weekend I worked on chapters 2 and 3 of my manuscript and I'm really happy with how it's progressing. This could mean a few of things:

1. I'm delusional coz I'm actually writing a heap of crap.
2. My standards are low.
3. I was working on someone else's manuscript.
4. My writing is improving with practice.

Let's hope it's number 4! Peter Bishop from the Varuna Centre advised me to focus on compacting description/action into the fewest words possible; that is, to make each word/sentence achieve more than one thing. So that's what I've been trying to do. It's not always easy but I am finding that the more I attempt it, the better at it I get. After all, a good manuscript is a tight manuscript!

I've also been chipping away at the research, trying to do at least 30 mins reading each day. It's not much but it'll add up to something eventually (I hope...)

Jung and shadows

I'm pretty excited because I've actually found something through research that relates directly to my manuscript.

Jung described shadows as "the imperfect being in you that follows after and does everything that you are loath to do, or the things you are too cowardly or decent to do."

Now that's something I can explore that will really help my manuscript. I even know a book I can use as a case study for my exegisis - Sonya Hartnett's 'Surrender', which also has at its heart the actions of the shadow self. I'm sure there are plenty more out there, too.

So I feel that I'm on the right track. Now all I have to do is a mountain of reading. Do you reckon I can train myself to read in my sleep?

Needle + haystack = research

I've had my first major freak-out and (sort of) recovered. Thanks to Kelleigh I think I now (sort of) know how to get started on the research side of things.

When I start getting into it, it's pretty interesting trawling through all these weird and wonderful documents and trying to find something that relates to my topic. But it's far from simple.

What I'm trying to find is documented evidence of teenage girls who 'saw' a face in the mirror that wasn't theirs. I'm sure that somewhere, somehow, there's a written record of this phenomena. Finding it is the tricky bit.

I never experienced it myself. But my friend did. I was with her one night, in her bedroom, when she saw that face. I couldn't see anything in the mirror but I know she did. She was no drama queen. There was no way she was making it up.

But it's not enough that I was in the same room with someone who had that experience. Well, it's more than enough as a basis for a manuscript, but it can't be accepted as 'research'. And to be honest, although I remember the night, I can't remember exact details. Who knows what little embellishments I've added to the memory over the years.

One thing's certain - it's going to be very interesting trying to track the evidence down.

How do you eat an elephant?

...one bite at a time. My good friend Helen gave me this piece of (somewhat strange) advice many years ago and it's something I need to pay attention to right now.

Last Saturday I spent almost 5 hours in a lecture theatre listening to an information overload on research and thesis writing. Am I freaking out? Am I thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew? Am I ready to run for the hills?

Yes, yes and yes!

But I'm going to sit back for a minute, think of Helen's advice (which, of course, really has nothing to do with the rather perverse idea of eating one of our planet's most amazing animals) and work out which tiny bite I need to take first.

Any words of advice/encouragement will be gratefully accepted :)

First chapter 'pinks'

Shouldn't it be first chapter blues? You'd think so, but I've just done another rewrite of my first chapter & I'm pretty happy with it. I actually think it's quite good.
Clearly, I am a failure as a tortured artist. Don't get me wrong, I do have my moments of wanting to chuck everything I've ever written in the bin. And stuff that I wrote years ago that I thought was fabulous can now make me cringe.

But you write, you get a bit better; you write some more, you get a bit better again. That's what it's all supposed to be about, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm glad to have on record at this moment that I'm happy with my first chapter because tomorrow I have to sit through a 5 hour workshop on researching. That's bound to strip the happy bugs from my brain.

And for the record, here is the first paragraph of the first chapter that I'm officially (at this moment anyway) happy with.

Tash twisted the small silver mirror in her hand. A flash of light flared on the ceiling. She froze, her eyes wide, then slipped the mirror back into her dresser drawer.

Hmmm, I think I'll just go rewrite it...

The all important first line

Many people choose a book based on its first few sentences or even the first line. One of my favourite first lines is 'It was 7 minutes to midnight.' (Mark Haddon, Curious incident of the dog in the night time). I love it because it's such a simple sentence and yet it's so precise. I also like how he writes the number '7' (rather than the word), which hints at the narrator's obsession with numbers.

Trying to come up with a killer first line is, well, liable to kill you! But I think often simple is best, as with Haddon's example.

I've yet to come up with my killer first line. In fact, now that I've decided to include a prologue, I'm not even sure where my first line is! Here's the current first line of the prologue:
'Do you ever think about it? About what happened back then?'

And here's the current first line of chapter 1:
Tash twisted the small silver mirror in her hand.

So how far away am I from 'killer' status? I'd like to know what anyone out there thinks.

Excited and petrified

Last night we had the first meeting of our Masters cohort in children's and youth writing. It looks like it's going to be a great year, but really bloody busy.

Although we're all writing for young adults (rather than children) everyone's project is different and exciting. I can see some great books resulting from this year - hopefully mine will be one of them!

The research work (exegesis - what does it mean anyway???) seems a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll get through it somehow (assuming I can find that magic fairy who I'm sure owes me a lot of favours).

The first meeting ended well with us all enjoying a well-deserved alcholic beverage at a local cafe, where the service was electic but nonetheless entertaining. It was my first time at an establishment where the wait staff asked one of the guests to explain the wine list to oher guests, but I'm always up for new experiences!

So the course is off to a great start. Now all I have to do is get writing...

The first task - a piece of clever writing

No, luckily at this stage I don't have to write something clever. I have to find a piece of clever writing, a piece of writing that I'm passionate about. Being a course in children's & youth writing I should probably pick a kids/YA writer. But instead I'm choosing something from Elizabeth Jolley - right now I feel she's the only writer I can choose. And she has so much to choose from.

No doubt soon I'll be expected to produce clever writing of my own. But I don't consider myself a 'clever' writer. Maybe because I associate the word clever with an innate ability; an attribute that comes naturally. And I have to work really, really hard to get my writing to a point that I think it's worthwhile.

Clever writing - it's definately something to aim for. I wonder how I'll know if I've ever achieved it?

Vale Elizabeth Jolley

I was really sad to hear about Elizabeth Jolley's passing. She has always been one of my writing heroes, especially because, like me, she didn't begin writing until her late 30s.

As a writer, Elizabeth Jolley had the most wicked humour. You'd read a sentence or paragraph of perfectly reasonable looking words and realised she'd strung them together in wild, memorable ways.

Like the true lady she was, Jolley's prose was never vulgar but could be hysterically "rude". Her clean, neat writing style, brilliant turn of phrase and vivid imagination have inspired and delighted me (and thousands of others) since I first began reading her work some 20 or so years ago.

The first of her writing I ever read was the short story collection, Five Acre Virgin. The title story, about a woman who uses her wits (and knowledge of planting cycles) to hang onto a piece of land that she'd been forced to sell, had me hooked.

I think I've read all her books (reread some favourites a couple of times) and own most of them. Whenever I go to a writing seminar or class and have to bring along a piece of writing from my favourite writer, I invariably take something from my collection of Elizabeth Jolley's works.

Elizabeth Jolley was one of Australia's greatest writers and her humour, intelligence and creative gifts will live on in her many published works.

Deepest condolences to her family and close friends. I am sure you will miss her.

Masters, here I come

In about one week's time I will be officially starting my Masters at QUT. Managing time is going to be my biggest issue, but hey, isn't it everyones?

Still, part-time (instead of full-time) work would be a big help.

So if there's someone out there who wants to hire an experience web content writer/editor with a strong interest (and pretty good skills) in user-centred design for three days a week at around $120 per hour, let me know and I'll send you my resume.

I'm really good at what I do. I'm also a huge fan of Gerry McGovern (my web content hero!!) If you like what Gerry has to say about web content, you'll love my work!