Goldfish dreams

This morning I dreamt I was walking with some people, carrying a large cocktail type glass filled with water that had a bright orange goldfish swimming in it. The fish was too big for the glass and kept bumping its face up against the side, its mouth gaping. I commented that the fish needed a bigger bowl, then suddenly the fish jumped right out of the glass and onto my shoulder.

I've had weirder dreams, but this one really sticks in my mind, particularly that wide mouthed goldfish. The unconscious is fond of putting puns into dream language, so the obvious ones that spring to mind are 'big fish in a small pond' and 'fish out of water'. But I think perhaps there's more to it than that.

Like many people, I struggle with my dream of earning my living as a fiction writer and my reality of working in a 9-5 job (albeit one that involves writing) to pay the bills. The dream could be about wanting to escape the confines of regular job - though a cocktail glass doesn't exactly scream '9-to-5'.

Perhaps the dream is more about broadening my horizons. I tend to see the trade publishing contract as the ultimate goal - the 'holy grail' that I'm aiming for. But maybe that goal is confining me. What if I broke out of that mould and took a rounder view of what I really want to get out of writing? What if I let that goal go completely?

It's always going to be a struggle to fit in the writing I want to do - fiction writing for kids and young adults - with the writing I'm paid to do. But perhaps I need to appreciate the fact that at least I do get to write for a living and that I do get the opportunity to help other people's stories to be told. And to really see the value in that.

I don't know that I can really let my 'ultimate' goal go. But I'm willing to let it free-float around for a while.